Hiccups & Third wheels

This past year has been the toughest year of my life on many different levels. At the bare bones of it all, one word sums it up… loss.

I’m not quite sure how to write everything down in a summarised style without it coming across as being flippant or numb. Granted I am numb, but how to convey that there is also pain, anger, resentment and sorrow? So, I thought to attach everything to the most fitting word I could think of. And that, like I said above, is the word loss.

I lost my dad around a year ago. It was sudden and unexpected. As I was receiving details from my dad’s doctor he also felt it necessary to throw in that my mom was going through cancer and has Dementia. So it was also the day I lost a little bit of my mom and myself. And it was also the only day that I actually cried for the loss of him. What was to transpired shortly after arriving was knowledge of his actions that I’m not sure I will be able to let go of, hence, where the anger and resentment come into play.

Arriving at my parents place felt ominous. And seeing the frailty of my mom hit my heart like a thunderous lightening bolt as if Zeus himself were reincarnated.

In my mind I was going to sort out the funeral, stay for like a month and go back to the UK. But, after seeing my mom and the financial disarray that my dad left her in, it was clear that she was unable to fend for herself. I started taking her to chemo and I got her checked properly by a Neurologist as no one did this for her prior. My dad knew she was deteriorating and did nothing. Again, anger popping in. She was skin and bones which meant she was forgetting to eat. She would serve my dad and she would neglect herself. So I started getting her to eat, made sure she was taking her new pills for the dementia along with the old ones and made sure she had somewhat of a routine. During all of this I was losing myself (and still am). I lost the will to carry on like I always do. I became sedentary and gained weight. I didn’t want to sort out legal matters, I was juggling trying to stay afloat at work and being a caregiver. And when all felt too much, finally my mental faculties started failing me, forcing my body to fail me.

Currently, I am trying to rebuild. I am trying to figure out what the best solution is to everything and I’m trying to deal with “loss” on all fronts. Especially the loss of connections with people. Some I feel deserve to be lost forever, if I’m being completely honest. While others will just be kept at a distance. But I have to say trying to repair all these different aspects has been excruciating. And I think what bothers me the most is that if people haven’t experienced it themselves they won’t have empathy for you because they simply can’t relate. It’s not their fault but it would be nice if people could put themselves in your shoes from time to time. I wish my friends could think, crap, she is an only child, no family that is close that can help, her mother has dementia, she is battling severe panic attacks and depression, she is trying to help out financially which is a struggle, maybe I should check in at least a bit more often, or maybe I should reply back faster rather than wait 4-6 days. Two in particular are notorious at that. And granted people have their own lives, I understand that. But being on your own exacerbates these feelings ten fold. So I can’t help it at times.

So how does one repair their life after so much loss? Slowly. Very slowly. I think when it comes to myself, I know I can make a life anywhere. It might not be the life I may have wanted, but I can rebuild. I have been rebuilding myself every so often anyway. Not on such a disastrous scale but I do have some faith in myself. And I suppose that’s all you need. Slowly, I will start moving to better my health, slowly I will venture into other side hustles to try and gain a better financial standing so I can take care of my mother how she should be taken care of, and slowly I will rebuild trust in people. That last one will be a hard one but, I will try. Because if I’m being completely honest, I don’t want to be 85 and look back on my life and say… what a wasted life. There are others that are going through far worse in this world and I need to remind myself of that. I need to push through somehow. And I need to accept the loss and move on.